4-9-19

In the airport, at 10:25pm. Three women wait to go through TSA. A is typing on her phone.

A
Aw, noooo.
They’re bringing back my nickname.
My coworkers started calling me Chunks because I threw up on our offsite to Vietnam.

B
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH

C
That’s harsh.

B
I’M GONNA CALL YOU CHUNKS NOW.

C
Was it food poisoning?

B
She just drank too much.

A
I started calling my boss Leave-my-Wife-With-Cancer-for-a-Younger-Woman Dave, but it didn’t really stick.

B
It’s too long.

TSA Agent
Any fireworks, aerosols, lithium batteries, or weapons?

C
Just a burrito.

B
That’s only a carb bomb.

TSA Agent
A car bomb?

C
What—no—

TSA Agent
Ma’am are you carrying a car bomb?

C
No.

TSA Agent
OK I’m just going to have to go through all your things, then you’ll be set.

(The TSA Agent pulls C aside and starts disassembling her burrito.)

B
(Showing A her phone)
This girl I went to high school with converted her entire Instagram into a mukbang account. Like she kept her handle but deleted all traces of her past life to become a mukbang star.

A
Weird.

B
But we remember, Monica!!

A
This is good editing.

B
Yeah, she has a mic and everything.

A
There’s this girl from my high school who got married last year and then started selling tooth-whitening toothpaste, and posting about it a lot, and I was like, I wonder what she’s up to now? So I went through her Facebook and there was NO TRACE of a marriage. She just purged that period of her life, like, completely.

B
What about the toothpaste?

A
Gone.

B
She said, ‘I will expunge this from the record.’

A
Jen Tooley.

B
I purged my middle school photos.

A
Yeah but I feel like everyone does that?
Maybe there are some photos on her brother’s profile.
(She types.)
Nick…Tooley.
He’s a Rhodes Scholar now, but that doesn’t matter because Nicholas Tooley will always be the kid who masturbated in science class.

(They look over at C. The TSA Agent is wearing gloves and inspecting every bean inside the burrito.)

B
Aw, man.

A
I’m not missing this plane.

(A stranger’s phone alarm goes off.)

STRANGER
Hey guys! Every day for the past five years, I’ve had an alarm set for 10:30pm, and when it goes off I ask everyone around me what the best part of their days were.

B
Is she talking to us?

A
I think so.

B
Do we—she’s looking at me.

A
(To the STRANGER)
Sorry, we don’t speak English!!!!

B
Sometimes I think, “I know, generally, what other people are like,” but then someone will come along and really subvert that.

A
Gotta stay on your toes.

(The TSA AGENT is putting each individual component of C’s burrito—tortilla, sour cream, vegetables—into separate plastic bins and sending them through the scanner.)