3-27-19

Maggie has just gotten her wisdom teeth removed. She sits and watches Fixer Upper on HGTV. On the screen, Chip and his kids throw a football around on a patch of grass.  

CHIP
Throwing the ball around with the kids.

KIDS
We love the ball because it is round but also pointy.

CHIP
Kids!

KID1
It sails like it’s weightless.

KID2
And if you play long enough, your brain will look like a well-roasted cauliflower.

CHIP
We have this big farm property.  

KIDS
We throw the ball.

 CHIP
We like maintaining the property.

KIDS
Cutting the grass, tilling the soil.

CHIP
We have some chickens, a few horses, cows and goats, I mean literally everything you could possibly imagine. A turkey.

JO
(Entering)
We have a new client! 

ALL
We have a new client!

JO
The Wayne family—they’re moving to Waco.

CHIP
Waco, Texas!

KIDS
Home of the Waco massacre.

CHIP
The Waynes!

JO
Like John Wayne!

KIDS
John Waaaaayne Gacy.

(Cut to: meeting the Waynes.)

MRS. WAYNE
I want a fenced-in backyard, for the boys.

JO
So they can’t escape?

MRS. WAYNE
No.

JO
So creatures can’t enter?

MRS. WAYNE
No.  

(They see a plain house.)

CHIP
Well? 

MR. WAYNE
That’s a house.  

JO
It’s a roof and four walls.
Probably more walls on the inside. We can take out the walls, or, add some more.

CHIP
What do you think? Are we speaking your language here? 

MRS. WAYNE
I wouldn’t say you’re crazy yet.  

JO
Just wait.

(Nervous laughter.)

CHIP
Now Dorinda—can I call you Dorinda? 

MRS. WAYNE
Please call me ma’am 

CHIP
Can you describe to me your dream home? 
Ma’am?

MRS. WAYNE
A lot of water, a lot of water features.

JO
(Writing this down)
Water features.

MRS. WAYNE
I’d like a skylight.  

JO
Oh! 

MRS. WAYNE
A round one.

JO
Yes.

MRS. WAYNE
So that at night, I can look out at the stars, like I’m gazing into the mouth of God, and I can ask him, ‘SAY AHHHHH’
Wider, please.
Wider.
Oop, looks like you had a chapped lip.
Looks like it’s bleeding a little.
Looks like you haven’t been flossing.

JO
(Writing this down)
Mouth of God.

MRS. WAYNE
In my ideal home, I am alone. And there is a bed and some windows.

CHIP
I’m seeing some wainscoting.

MRS. WAYNE
I might die without wainscoting.

JO
Some people will die in the house they are born in.

MRS. WAYNE
I can see the desert and the mountains.

CHIP
The mountains?

MRS. WAYNE
The Waco Mountains.
And wayward hikers will knock on my door because they are thirsty or lost and I can hear them hold down the doorbell so it makes one long tone and I can hear them slapping their open palms on the pinewood door and smelling the cedar smoke from my chimney and I will not come to the door. I will never come to the door.

JO
(Writing)
No door.

(Cut to the house. It is now completely underwater, with a hole in the roof.)

MRS. WAYNE
It’s perfect.