6-16-19

A
My fun fact is that I know the capital of every state.

B
I know the age of consent in every state.

C
Lots of state facts!

A
I know the official bird of every state.

B
I know the names of every missing person of every state.

C
That must be hundreds.

B
It’s thousands.

D
So you know thousands of names.

A
Everyone knows thousands of names.

D
I know hundreds / of names.

B
You probably know thousands.

C
Fun icebreaker! Let’s think of all the names we know, in alphabetical order.

A
Aaron.

B
Abigail.  

D
Abby.

A
Abbi is Abigail.

D
No I’m saying it with a ‘y’

C
I think they’re right.

D
Abe?

 B
Abe is Abraham.

 D
Abf—
Abl—
Abortion?

A
You know someone named Abortion?

D
It’s Italian for ‘love’

B
I don’t think it is.

C
OK, sorry, that was a bad idea. Let’s say, instead, why we’re here.
Who wants to go first?
OK I will go first.
I started volunteering five years ago. We had a loss in the family and it was easy to feel self-pity, so to dig myself out of that I decided I had to get really busy. And give back. And now I’m a project leader!

B
What was the loss in your family?

C
My daughter went missing.

B
And you’re from Connecticut?

C
Yes?

B
It’s that Connecticut accent.

D
Well I was court-ordered.

A
I live in the area.

B
I have a lot of free time.

C
Great.
So the seniors are all survivors of genocide.

A
Great.

(B raises his hand.)

C
You don’t have to raise your hand.

B
Which genocide?

C
All kinds.

D
Cool.
Not cool but—
cool.

C
Any other questions about the seniors?

B
Many.

C
OK we’ll just—what are the questions?
No we need to get ready. We can have a Q and A session afterward.
We need to set the tables—and this is very important—we set them napkin, fork, plate, knife, spoon.
I get that others do it differently, but haven’t these people suffered enough?
And then we’ll bring out the fish, OK?

A, B, D
OK

C
And then we’ll bring out the salad, and then the entree.
Now listen closely. There will be a fight over the chicken. You must be very careful with the chicken.

B, D
Careful with the chicken.

A
Fun fact: the Blue Hen Chicken is the state bird of Delaware.

D
So fun.

C
Chickens have two parts: you have the chicken tops and the chicken bottoms.

A
Less fun fact: it’s not a recognized breed of chicken.

C
Chicken tops are white meat, chicken bottoms are dark meat. Everyone wants chicken bottoms, no one wants chicken tops. Chicken bottoms are juicier and easier to chew for the seniors. But we don’t get chicken parts, we get whole chickens. So we have a limited number of tops and bottoms, I wish I could make bottoms out of tops but I can’t. I’m not a magician. So some people will need to get chicken tops—use your best judgment. See who has the teeth.
People will ask for more.

B
More bottoms?

C
More of everything: the fish, the salad, the entree, the water, the spoons, the napkins—they ask for so many napkins because their mouth muscles are weak. We will give them what we can. But as I said: I am not a magician. I cannot make chicken bottoms where God intended for there to be chicken tops.

D
Surely there’s a grey area? A chicken middle?

C
The chicken middle is a myth.
If they ask you for a chicken middle, come find me immediately.
So it will go:
We serve the dinner, then we clean up the dinner, then there’s some singing and dancing, then everyone stands for a few national anthems to add a pinch of discomfort to the occasion, then we say goodbye. OK?

Elise Wien