Play-a-week Project

11-27-18


DIANE
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MO
It’s over?

DIANE
He’s on a hold.
He said, ‘it’s a Salesforce syncing problem,’ and I said, ‘shoot me in the fucking face.’

GREB
On a call?

DIANE
Obviously I didn’t say it out loud, this is a professional fucking environment, Greg.

GREB
My name is Greb.

DIANE
Your name is Greb?
(Back on the phone)
Hi David, you got the login? Excellent.

GREB
Has anyone seen Julie today?

CARL
She’s out I think.

GREB
Do you think she’s sick?

CARL
I think she got fired.

GREB
Why did she get fired?

MO
She got fired?

GREB
She’s my mentor.

CARL
Honestly Julie was such a loose cannon, like ‘One day I’m gonna curse out a customer, one day I’m gonna find the circuit breaker and shut down the power on this place.’

DIANE
Yo Julie’s fucking wild.

MO
You done with the call?

DIANE
He’s trying to figure out the screen-share.
(On phone)
Hi, David? Yes OK just click ‘OK.’ Yeah it’s to enable remote access.

CARL
Julie was all, 'I’m gonna combine with AI and get superhuman knowledge and strength. Because AI’s gonna get so smart you have to join it or die, it’s called The Singularity and Elon Musk talks about it like all the time.'

MO
She’s just saying what we all think.

GREB
She borrowed my lightning cord last week and now my mouse is about to die.

CARL
Do you want to go get salads?

GREB
I’m doing intermittent fasting.

CARL
Mo?

MO
I had squirrel toast. It’s like avocado toast but with squirrel ceviche.

DIANE
I thought ceviche only meant fish.

MO
Ceviche can be anything—

CARL
Are you still on the phone?

DIANE
He put me on hold this time.

CARL
That is the worst

MO
Ceviche can be anything cooked in lime juice.

DIANE
I don’t think that’s right.

GREB
(Reading from screen)
“Ceviche, also cebiche, seviche or sebiche, is a seafood dish typically made from fresh raw fish cured in citrus juices, such as lemon or lime, and spiced with ají, chili peppers or other seasonings including chopped onions, salt, and cilantro.”

MO
You know that meme where Chrissy Teigen’s face is like,
(Grimace)
She’s dressed up at some award show and the camera pans to her and she’s all,
(Grimace)

GREB
Who’s Chrissy Teigen?

MO
Is Greb from Mars?

GREB
I’m from Chappaqua.

CARL
I might order a salad.

GREB
It’s just weird that Julie left all her stuff here. If she was fired.

MO
Don’t get romaine, romaine is weird now.

CARL
I never get romaine, romaine’s like nutritionally null.

GREB
That’s true. 

MO
(To GREB)
My hands smell like hotdogs but the last thing I did was shake your hand.

CARL
Why’d you shake his hand?

GREB
I’m new to this section.

MO
Are you made of hotdogs?

CARL
You’re new to this section?

(GREB extends his hand)

GREB
Greb.

CARL
Carl.

(They shake. CARL sniffs his hand.)

GREB
Um. Are you a mentor too?

CARL
No.

GREB
Oh.

MO
Julie’s the only mentor in this section.

GREB
OK because she was going to shadow me on some phone calls.

CARL
Julie’s not here.

GREB
Right.
There are 700 people calling right now.

MO
Something must be broken.

DIANE
Yeah I think something’s broken.

(There is a very loud beep.)

Elise Wien